So Many “G” Words

Guilt vs Gratitude

Most of us are familiar with the human emotions of Guilt and Gratitude. Upon hearing the words, I can’t help but feel as though each feeling can often result from similar events when viewed from different perspectives. Generally a person with a healthy sense of self will feel gratitude for positive occurrences, coming from a place of inherent self-worth; while a lack of self-esteem can lead to a feeling of being undeserving or guilt . This guilt that I often feel is not because I feel my recovery has robbed the chance of someone else’s, or even that I don’t “deserve” this life full of opportunities. Rather that I know that I am entirely at fault for the events leading up to my accident and that had I not been so reckless, it wouldn’t have occurred. As human beings we like for things to make sense and often fit the storylines of society or that we make up in our heads. When I observe the abundance of pain and suffering in the world from seemingly random events; that I made a horrible decision, causing my disability, and yet live a blessed life full of opportunity and support just doesn’t seem right. In fact, it is a deep sense of guilt bordering on shame that I feel having met so many remarkable brain injury survivors from pure accidents; or tragically, violence, but certainly not a poor decision, who face immense challenges.

Another G word…

Nobody likes an ingrate, or to be thought of as one, and I assure you that it’s not for a lack of recognizing the blessings, and good fortune in my life that cause my struggle to feel gratitude. It’s embarrassing to write this, but I promised readers honesty. I’ve heard the word “Grace” spoken of as being an unmerited gift quite often, and from one particular eloquent speaker not too long ago. This woman was talking specifically of God’s grace in the context of recovery from addiction with gratitude and joy radiating from each word. I can remember sitting in my seat feeling discomfort holding our culture’s high value on merit based outcomes, yet here was someone speaking so glowingly and with such gratitude about grace, something “unmerited”.

The fact that I so vividly recall my unease from listening that day over 4 years ago is telling. The kind woman sharing that morning certainly posed no threat to my health or safety, rather felt gratitude for the gift of God’s grace. And there I was, squirming in my seat at the thought that someone could accept, let alone so warmly embrace something undeserved. While I wish I recognized my resistance to the circumstances and events in my life as futile and showing a total lack of humility because, after all, didn’t that mean I thought I knew better than the designer of life, whom I call God.

An Insecure Egomaniac?

Perhaps even worse than the appallingly egotistical thought, usually prompted by a lack of acceptance, that I am all knowing, is the way it affects how I live my life moving forward. While the feeling of impending doom and unworthiness I experience is commonly thought of as a PTSD symptom, in truth, for me these feelings preceded my car accident. As someone who always derived most of my self esteem from athletics and social engagement, learning to generate positive feelings towards myself in the face of diminished physical abilities has become a serious challenge. While I still struggle and can’t say that I’ve mastered insecurity or self-defeating behaviors, I need to acknowledge that just recognizing this tendency to lessen my joy or sabotage the blessings in my life, offers hope for change.

The Work

As if I often hear, yet need constant reminding, “it’s progress not perfection”. At the end of the day, it serves nobody and is quite selfish to dampen the joy in my life, refusing the Grace that powers a lot greater than me have granted. After all, if I hold guilt in my heart, chances are a lot less that I will spread joy and positively to those I interact with than if it is gratitude with which I embrace life.

Although I hate the saying, “Another bozo on the bus,” often used to describe living humbly; by joining the community of inherently worthy living beings of the world, I will be taking a huge step towards living a life of service with gratitude by taking a seat on the bus. A seat that offers the opportunity to improve the ride for my fellow passengers!