Time

Time is a funny thing; when you need to find some, it is extremely scarce and flies by, while at moments you want to pass quickly it seems to crawl or even stop altogether. My own, and I suspect many people’s, relationship with time is such that times’ that seem never ending or painstaking in the moment; often passed in a blink upon later reflection. I’ve been particularly focused on the early stages of my brain injury recovery the last couple of days. Whether because I was presenting to students and had to respond to questions about my past or that some alone time on NH’s roadways provided periods for reflection, I found myself aghast at how fast things are going!

While I acknowledge that I can find myself prey to morbid reflection, depression, or even plain old regret, this recent session taking stock of times gone by was rather emotionally neutral. I’ve been noticing that I tend to be quick to judge things that have happened harshly, with a tendency to find ways to criticize myself. Of course, the benefit of hindsight and much more life experience makes it easy pickings to find past mistakes or deficits. Perhaps this is why I found it noteworthy to be void of regret, negative self-talk, or even judgement as I reflected the other day.

I always find myself cynically chuckling when I hear the 9th step promise that, “we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it” read in meetings, but couldn’t help but wonder if it was manifesting for me. Whether it’s an unmerited gift, or a fruit of the program of recovery, this sudden realization of acceptance in my life hit me like a freight train! I seem to have an interesting relationship with the emotion or feelings of gratitude as evidenced by So Many “G” Words, and other previous posts. At the risk of oversimplification, perhaps it was a powerful form of gratitude that I felt!

While I’m in no way operating in a higher dimension or even walking around bursting with gratitude at all times, I can’t deny having a profound revelation as I made the normally boring ride along Route 101 to the Seacoast. It struck me that sharing my experience, and connecting with students/audiences is truly one of the bright spots in my life: Truly an opportunity for which I am profoundly grateful. Within that same thought I was struck with the recognition of my tendency to discount anything associated with my crash as negative being overwhelmed with gratitude.

While in no way am I proud of all the choices I’ve made or even neutral on the way I’ve lived my life; with time I’m finally seeing that the past does not have to dictate the future. It seems that to be truly grateful for my life today means having gratitude for everything that has led up to this point. I’m reminded of an elementary school aged boy who after I spoke with his class, commented that he was taught that, “We learn from our mistakes.”

To which he added, “So you must be really smart!”

At the time I had to gather myself and contain my laughter to respond with, “You would think, wouldn’t you?” In reality, smartness or intelligence may not be the gift, rather the life experiences and time that allow for the experiences resulting in overwhelming moments of gratitude today!