Feeling Gratitude

In one of MTSB’s first posts I explored some “G” words; guilt, gratitude, and grace. The reason for that post wasn’t to educate on the words’ definitions or even exude some scholarly mystique in the hopes of boosting my standing as an intellectual, I fear that ship has sailed! Rather, I wanted to convey something that I’ve struggled with as long as I can remember despite knowing that holding such an internal belief doesn’t serve me or my fellows. To summarize, I see Guilt and Gratitude as different sides of the same coin, a coin which represents feelings generated upon recognition of a positive occurrence in ones’ life. Basically, something beneficial or enjoyable occurs and instantly my mind makes a judgement as to whether or not it is deserved, triggering feelings of either Guilt or Gratitude.

While guilt is an incredibly useful feeling if used to prevent the repetition of behavior that elicits negative feelings, when pervasive and occurring long after the lesson is absorbed, guilt is nothing more than a whip used for self-flagellation. A close friend and mentor of mine likes to say, “Jimmy, put the bat down”, when noticing my tendency for self-condemnation. This discussion of guilt versus gratitude would be purely academic if I would accept the gift of that other powerful “G” word: Grace. The acceptance of unmerited gifts in my life without having guilt triggered is a work in progress for me. That said, I want to relay the joyful gratitude I was able to feel just this weekend…

Like most kids growing up in New England during the time and in the town I did, baseball was pretty much the only Spring time game in town. As far as team sports go, I don’t ever remember contemplating a different activity as the ground thawed and things turned green. This early introduction to America’s pastime combined with relative proximity to Boston made cheering on the Red Sox pretty much a given. And along with Sox-fandom came the good fortune to head in to Fenway Park for a game every now and then. Well this past Friday my parents, good friend, and I were able to see a Sox victory in some amazing seats. It was great to be at the game, and I certainly appreciated the opportunity, but the next morning I felt a shot of intense gratitude which as I’ve mentioned previously can be difficult to for me to accept without a sense of guilt.

We spent Friday night in Charlestown which was convenient as the game didn’t end until almost 11 o’clock and since it was just a short Uber ride from Fenway. My 4-legged, hairy alarm clock known as Clooney had stayed behind with some friends which allowed me to sleep until after 7. I was kind of tired for although I’m not yet 40 years old, the adorable Clooney has me well trained and in bed relatively early with Friday nights’ bedtime of nearly 12 much later than normal. Inspired by the beautiful late summer sunrise over Boston’s skyline I found myself jogging through the narrow streets of the city before making the conscious choice to get some exercise.

Perhaps best known as a historical town of the Revolutionary era and home to Bunker Hill monument, marking the site of one of the first major battles between the Americans and British, Charlestown is also home of Spaulding’s flagship facility since it opened in 2013. The foundation for recovery Spaulding gave me for a new life after sustaining a TBI in 2006 has been truly amazing. Maybe it was the leftover joy from the Sox victory, the night at Fenway with people who mean a lot to me, the beauty of the morning, or more likely, the combination that had me filled with joy! I’m not the most sentimental person, so being overwhelmed with gratitude without the pull of guilt that often strikes was a beautiful feeling.