Ah…November, One Tilt of the Earth and I Freeze; and of course, Gratitude Month

With the National Holiday named for the sentiment of gratitude just passed and because I’ve often found it a difficult topic and feeling, (as evidenced by a prior post; https://morethanaspeedbump.com/so-many-g-words/), let’s examine gratitude a bit…

Gratitude is a value that was always stressed to me growing up and which my circumstances should have fostered in great abundance. However, despite my awareness of the good fortune in my life, being grateful is something I’ve had to put effort into. Perhaps some of this difficulty has been circumstantial and to be expected: After all, I’ve only known life with a loving, supporting family where all of Maslow’s basic needs have been met, and a natural appreciation for the usual isn’t a particularly human trait. Regardless, expressing thanks whether verbally or through a card my mom would be sure to was sent was always a certainty. I don’t know when it became uncomfortable, but at some point guilt began to creep in, overpowering feelings of gratitude.

I always think of feeling guilt as being dangerously close to gratitude. In fact, it’s almost as if in response to good fortune or some positive event, I flip the coin of emotional response with either guilt or gratitude ending face up. I realize that is an oversimplification and shows my lack of mindful living, in that having fixed emotional responses to life regardless of the actual situation cannot possibly result in living presently with acceptance. Adding to my unease with good fortune is a sort of Catholic guilt. While certainly not a theologian, and not entirely sure of the meaning of “catholic guilt”, I’ve always viewed the phrase as meaning an inherent unreservedness. I mean what can one possibly do to deserve the gifts of someone who has sacrificed their son on your behalf?

Before I get too off in space or grandiose in my thinking let me bring the discussion back to my unease with gratitude. A tendency towards guilt really is indicative of not recognizing Grace. Grace, or as I see it an unmerited gift from God, in no way should trigger guilt or a feeling of unworthiness as its’ very definition includes the adjective unmerited. A resistance to feel gratitude would not be problematic if the feeling was merely an internal experience. However, as I’ve always sensed, but had reinforced in reading about the topic; a key component of gratitude is the desire to return the kindness. So perhaps rather than spinning off in a tornado of guilt and feelings of unworthiness; why not live in a way where I contribute kindness so it only makes sense that it comes back.

Of course, like the grace of God, not all blessings are merited. Just as being grateful can serve as a motivator for kindness, living a grateful life can provide the path to improving other’s lived experiences. So hopefully I can bring these Thanksgiving feelings of gratitude along for the other 364 days of the year!