“Acceptance is the Answer”

“You’re not who you were, be who you are!” -David Krempels

Hopefully I haven’t caused any resentment or seem to be taking credit for any of the gifts I’ve experienced in my life as I certainly know it’s the grace of God to which I must attribute these blessings. One of these things that seemingly fell into place in a magical way for my benefit was my now almost 16 year time as a member of Krempels. Called Stepping Stones when I first joined and now KBIC (David Krempels Brain Injury Center), but really what I’ll always call Krempels, the program and community at KBIC literally gave me a “new life after brain injury”. I have to acknowledge the amazing medical and rehabilitative care I received for keeping me alive and teching me to function. The services I received at Beth Israel, Spaulding Rehab, River Ridge, then Portsmouth Hospital, and the care of countless individual providers combined with the love and support of loving friends and family was truly phenomenal! This led me to November of 2008 stuck in the dark place of realizing the day I’d wake up, completely back to “normal”, this challenging period of life as a brain injury survivor behind me, was not to be.

My father was understandably distraught to see me in such a place of despair in spite of the amazing gains I had made in recovering from my injuries, leading to a conversation I remember fairly well…Upon returning home one evening, Dad joined me in the living room, where I sat on the couch for much of the time away from work or my day-rehab program. Mind you, my working was limited to two days a week by sheer exhaustion.

“How’s it going?” asked my dad.

“I’m just of sick of this, I just seem to work and struggle, only to move on to another challenge.” I muttered kind of ashamed to be complaining or worried that I was slipping into self-pity.

My dad’s never been one to play the violin for me or encourage falling into a morose state so I’ll never forget how comforting it was to hear him acknowledge my feelings by saying, “I know it’s tough and you’re frustrated and that’s ok.”

But what he said next caught me by surprise…”Maybe you should try volunteering somewhere.”

And as they say, the rest is history! After going to Krempels that first day to see how I could “volunteer”, I met a program coordinator in the lobby who suggested that I attend the morning meeting to hear about the day’s programming to see what I might like to do. I was hooked instantly! Struck by the ease and comfort with which members engaged in the community-driven program, no matter the individual challenges each faced, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of “I can do this too!” I remember meeting with the coordinator and explaining that I thought, “I’d just like to hang out”…and guess what, I’m still hanging out!

While I’d love to say that I continue to approach each day with the attitude of acceptance, engaging to the best of my ability in whatever the day may bring; unfortunately, with the benefit of hindsight, I see my level of acceptance and comfort with myself varies causing an unfortunate pattern. While I hate to label myself a perfectionist, it seems that any satisfaction felt is fleeting and I find myself (pardon the pun) “coming up short” at living life. My best attempt at reconciling my apparent failures, or less than exemplary performance has been to identify a reason, explanation, or to be even harsher, an excuse. Is it the TBI related physical/cognitive impairment, alcoholism, or addictive behavior? While I acknowledge the real tangible nature of both disability and addiction, for me the grasping for reasons for struggle may even exacerbate these conditions.

Fear not dear reader for I would never end a post by leaving you with an unanswered question. However, after much work with many professionals even I can’t say that my own answer is completely accurate or even set in stone. It seems that the real answer; that I’m just another human being with finite abilities and no superhuman powers, has proven to be unsatisfactory. My unwillingness to accept and be who I am continues to be the biggest obstacle I face. So after all my time as a Krempels member with over 18 years as a TBI survivor, remembering to “Be Who I am” (without recrimination or shame for how I got here), remains my task each day. In fact, it’s all any of us can really do!