Abandonment
The featured image for this post caught my eye as I scrolled through my Facebook feed on this gloomy morning, triggering more emotion than I was prepared for after my pre-dawn wake up from Cloon! I’m always struck by how much certain things move me, particularly the emotions shared by others. While in this case it was a reflection on a fear of abandonment after brain injury, I find the identification not limited to times hearing the emotion of only other brain injury survivors. In fact, if I remember to pause and suspend my egotistical need for uniqueness (like a snowflake if you will!), identifying with a wide array of human feelings experienced by others isn’t too difficult. So one would assume that I have smashed the ego and reached total humility…not so fast.
To say I’ve been fortunate in how the people in my life have responded to the TBI survivor version of me doesn’t even scratch the surface of the grace I’ve received. The amazing outpouring of support shown since Independence Day 2006 was more a continuation of the love shown me throughout my life, really not a result of the injury: Either way, the amount of gratitude I feel is palpable. When I hear fellow survivors recount the difficult feelings of abandonment , either in the amazing discussions in groups or in readings like the one shared here, I can’t help but feel the despair behind the words.
This is not to say of course, that abandonment is a feeling trademarked by brain injury survivors. The abundance of material I found on the topic from a wide variety of sources in a quick internet search reminded me it is truly a universally human emotion. One quote in particular, “You are not a problem to be solved, but a person to be loved.” – John Green, really resonated with me. While it may seem that Mr. Green’s words don’t really relate to this posts’ title “abandonment”, I can’t help but recognize how I can tend to overly focus on the things I’m working on at the expense of loving who I am.
In no way am I saying having a growth mindset or striving for Continuous Improvement is bad, just that if it is at the expense of any self-compassion beware not just of burnout, but self-abandonment. To avoid speaking in broad generalizations and being precise in my ambiguity, I’ll drop the smokescreen and speak about myself.
The shear amount time and energy dedicated to recovery after my traumatic brain injury left little room for much else outside of the crisis-control mindset. Truth be told, from my perspective, I simply trusted and relied on the family members, doctors, and therapists’ directing my rehab with little capacity to direct my own actions at the time. How blessed I was for to have such an amazing team to make the rehabilitation journey with! Allow me to concur with the thought that this piece could easily been called Non-Abandonment, however, in my case the abandonment isn’t by others rather can be of myself.
Perhaps it wasn’t by chance that my eyes fell upon the survivor’s quote relaying the terrifying fear of abandonment, maybe just a reminder that I’m a human-being to be loved, not a human-doing whose worth is dependent on my accomplishments. So if I find myself struggling or not reaching a goal, it will always be possible that others will choose to leave me behind, but I never have to abandon myself…None of us do!