ISM

Despite my nearly decade long experience in institutes of higher learning, total mastery of the English language eludes me. That said, I’m not completely sure if the ending “ism”, that’s found on some words qualifies as an acronym. Ism is certainly a Suffix, portion of language added to the end of a word which in this case refers to a distinctive practice, system, or philosophy; often a political or artistic movement. Regardless, in the recovery community ism is often given acronym status with the most common being I, Self, and Me to highlight the selfishness and self-centeredness of addicts. Although I can only speak for myself, I find this view stunningly accurate: After all; I’m not much, but I’m all I think about.

So why do I bother delving into a breakdown of ism; is it a suffix or acronym, what does it really matter anyways? Well, in all honesty it doesn’t make a difference the name used to classify what specific type of language the letters “ism” are. In fact, after a little bit of searching; I can confidently identify an ism as a Suffix that people find useful as an acronym.  Just the other night I heard a new set of words that “ism” can stand for: I Sabotage Myself. As usual, the fact that 3 days later this thought is in my mind, that with my poor memory I even recall the 3 words, warrants some exploration. Let’s start with the acronym itself…

I and Myself are hallmark thoughts of the self-centered addict so I didn’t balk at those first two parts of the acronym. However, when the speaker threw the word sabotage in the mix it gave me pause. Wasn’t that a bit extreme I thought? I mean would I actually, “deliberately destroy, or obstruct” myself? Well after observing some behaviors of my own behavior from the obvious things like addiction to the more subtle like procrastination and poor planning, the sabotage component of ism seemed to fit.

So while I’m certainly not unique among those who struggle with addictive behavior, another component of my tendency to self-sabotage seems to be common to all humanity: grasping for control, or at least the illusion of it. While we tend to joke about certain individuals being “creatures of habit” or stuck in their ways, it seems to be that most people find comfort in their routines. The comfort doesn’t necessarily come from the routine itself, but rather the predictability of it or correctly anticipating an outcome.

I can remember working with Dr. Shawn Shapiro when I expressed my continuing frustration with how I seemed to actively dampen my enjoyment of life with self-defeating behaviors. As I attempted to lay out my case for being somehow uniquely screwed up because my actions seemed to run contrary to a quote I had recently seen attributed to Buddha where he said, “Everybody wants to be happy”. Hearing my exasperation, Shawn explained that in actuality the quote was more in line with everyone wanting to be at peace. Upon further discussion, I realized that peace being defined as freedom from disturbance or tranquility, or the absence of a desire to alter ones’ situation set up a kind of moral hazard, or peculiar incentive. After all, with comfort resulting from the predictability of future events, joy and success being difficult to guarantee; the risk of opting for a predictable outcome of difficulty and misery can be appealing and achieved through self-sabotage.

In no way do I intend to question the disease concept of addiction or minimize chemical dependence by highlighting the active self-sabotaging behavior often engaged in by those struggling with addiction. I can only look at my own journey in recovery and see that when faced with the possibility of happiness, joy, and freedom versus the guarantee of suffering, the peace of knowing the outcome can make self-sabotage appealing.