17 years: While I appreciate the fireworks, they’re not necessary

Hearing people talk about how fast time goes by as you get older is another one of those things I wish got me a dollar each time I heard it. And while memory issues have been perhaps my most persistent challenge post-TBI, my recall remains functionable enough to allow me to remember all the instances my memory has failed me! All kidding aside, this 4th of July marks not only America’s 247th birthday, but also 17 years since the car crash that altered the course of my life.

For quite a while, and some rare appearances even today before I see the insanity underlying my thinking; that last sentence would have ended as follows: This 4th of July marks not only America’s 247th birthday, but also 17 years since I drove drunk and ruined my life. It’s funny how the variation in language choice can take two sentences describing the same occurrence and totally alter the meaning of the statement. What is so significant about changing a few words of a sentence describing a traumatic experience almost 20 years ago that maintain its’ descriptive accuracy, but totally alter the underlying meaning? So what changed? Is it simply the passage of time, emotional maturity, or an injury’s healing that lead me to this place that I have to believe is on the spectrum of acceptance?

There really is no other way to describe this monumental change in perception than as simply a miracle. After all; as American author, political activist, and spiritual leader, Marianne Williamson observes:

“A miracle is a shift in perception from fear to love-from a belief in what is not real, to faith in that which is. That shift in perception changes everything.”

In a previous post, “The only Thing You Have to Change is Everything”, I introduced the power of a shift in perspective as being a specific change having the ability to beneficially alter our entire lived experiences. The focus of that post was more on how a shift in perspective can be a singular change which can result in an evolution of one’s entire world. As I reread Ms. Williamson’s quote I felt compelled to expand on the discussion by looking at this miracle of perspective change for what it truly is: A movement from fear to love; from delusion to truth, which is love.

I distinctly remember my skepticism whenever a doctor or therapist would raise PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as playing a huge role in my struggles. I mean, to this day I have absolutely no recollection of my crash, anything after it until August 10th, and only fuzzy recall of the month or so leading up to it. How could an event that I don’t recall have traumatized me? Not to mention the impossibility of flashbacks without any direct memory. I’ve been blessed to leave no stone unturned looking for ways to improve my life as a Severe TBI survivor, and I can’t say for sure what it was that allowed me to live the beautiful life I do now. Whether it has been the amazing support of friends and family, phenomenal recovery/rehab services, the unconditional love from dogs (first Boomer and now Clooney), or simply God’s grace that has made the difference isn’t important, and regardless; I’m certainly grateful for all these blessings.

But before I get into a lengthy testimony of appreciation, which could certainly fill volumes, let me return to the juxtaposition of fear and love that Ms. Williamson elegantly describes. The lack of memory surrounding what resulted in my disability, not the incident itself has caused me much struggle. “Waiting for the other shoe to drop” is a common phrase used to describe the anticipation of trauma or difficulty, but could just as easily be a synonymous phrase for fear. With the benefit of hindsight, the fact that I can easily fall prey to this heightened state of fear can keep me from the beautiful perspective of love is clear: A lack of faith making life arduous and riddled with anxiety, forgetting the words of my dear friend Barry, “It’s going to be ok!”

As I enter my 18th year living post TBI, while I need to continue to work hard, perhaps the most significant achievement I can make is to live from a perspective of love rather than fear. To let fear rule over love is really to block God from entering my life, because as I’m sure I’ve communicated before now, God is love. A couple of paragraphs above, I tried to pinpoint what it was that tipped the fulcrum from fear to love asking; “Whether it has been the amazing support of friends and family, phenomenal recovery/rehab services, the unconditional love from dogs (first Boomer and now Clooney), or simply God’s grace that has made the difference?”

I went on to say that it didn’t really matter because I was blessed with all of these gifts. But as I sit here early this morning following a walk with Master Clooney, in a house full of family, after a beautiful Friday at the David Krempels Brain Injury  Center, I know that it’s Love (God) that performed the miracle. Clooney would also like to add that dog is really just God with a couple letters flipped!

Enjoy the fireworks and have a happy, safe, and healthy 4th of July!