Simple, but Not Easy

Perhaps one of MTSB’s dear readers is a person who doesn’t struggle with something or have an area that they’d like to improve or change in their life: And if that’s you, or you know such a person, congratulations, but that’s not my story. Of course, I’m not talking about wishing to be taller (that is my story!), have different color hair, or any number of characteristics we’re assigned at birth. Rather, I’m referring to a thought pattern, bad habit, maladaptive coping mechanism, or simply seeking to be a different type of person who contributes greater joy to the world. Bottom line is that any change, let alone a major lifestyle or alteration in one’s mindset, is hard. The forging of new neural pathways away from a created comfort zone that although originally helpful, no longer serves you certainly isn’t easy, but it is rather simple!

More Than a Speed Bump’s latest post looks at this rather perplexing aspect of the human condition: After a problematic pattern is recognized what is to be done in response? Lest you think that despite being bounced from UNH Masters of Social Work program, that I’m some guru of human behavior or psychology, I must give credit to Kelsey Ryckman, BCBA, LICSW with whom I began this discussion and was given the impetus to investigate. Of course, in no way do I intend to oversimplify addiction or minimize its’ chemical aspect; rather to look at the enormity of change using yours truly as an example…

Let’s begin with alcohol. While there is certainly a physical allergy component to alcoholism in the way ethyl alcohol acts upon the alcoholic, the emotional immaturity and anxiety I approach life with only made altering my consciousness more appealing. In fact when I think about it, a gift of my TBI at 23 years old was the way having to rebuild a new life from scratch kind of relieved the pressure I had put on myself. Whether I was aware of it or not, I’d always felt immense pressure to be extraordinary in almost all aspects of my life and found drinking an effective pressure release. Not only would the effects of alcohol depress anxiety, but thinking of myself as a drunk gave me an explicit reason for a lack of success besides just not being good enough.

With that said, as my recovery from my TBI progressed to the point where I could live a somewhat ordinary life, my reason for struggle being the brain injury was diminished. Although, I fully understand brain Injury recovery is a lifelong journey, having much more obvious physical and cognitive deficits initially, provided me a reason why I was facing such difficulty. I just couldn’t accept that life is a challenge for all of us imperfect human beings so as I reengaged with the world around me, facing inevitable difficulty, the lure of having active alcoholism as an explicit reason for my struggles grew. While I can’t say for sure why, on 12/18/14 after almost 8 and a half years of sobriety I drank.

By the Grace of God, it’s been since 8/4/16 that I haven’t had a drink. Hold the applause, I am not a saint! I’ve merely found an alternative, non-chemical way to change my emotional state: disordered eating. In reality, by engaging in a destructive pattern to give myself a reason, albeit self-created, as to why I experience struggle and disappointment only adds to the inevitable difficulties of life with added frustration from insight of knowing what I’m doing. The problem is that this pattern moves me away from the person I want to be and diminishes my effectiveness in helping others. So what is so simple about all that you ask?

While their isn’t an Easy Button that once pressed would find me serene and able to make the right choices without self-sabotaging behavior, the fact that it is a choice I can make is the simple part. This “choice point” is interesting because in active addiction, the addict loses the “power of choice.” Whether it’s a drug, drink, drag, or even compulsive bite, once that choice is made the ones that follow are predetermined by obsession and compulsion. The simple part lies in identifying the choice point: Choosing in a way that moves me towards the life and values I want to live regardless of any fear that I may fail or merely face difficulty, on the other hand, isn’t always easy!