Questioning Myself
“To Know Thyself is the beginning of wisdom” -Socrates
I completely agree with the quote from Socrates that opens this post. I tend to think of wisdom as not just knowledge, but the ability to put knowledge to use in evaluating the world around us. One of the most frustrating parts of living with a brain injury is finding the balance between living with a level of healthy challenge and fighting exhaustion while simultaneously learning about the person that you’ve become after brain injury.
This is a topic that I consider a slippery slope because let’s face it, we all get tired. Likely most of us can probably relate to the exhaustion felt after a day of deep thought whether it be from work or a personal situation. And while individuals engaged in more physically demanding work experience a type of physical exhaustion more often, surely most humans value the feeling of “taking a load off” by kicking back in a comfortable chair after a day on one’s feet. At times people hearing expressions of fatigue or self-doubt judge the conveyor as lazy or worse yet, having a pity party. At the end of the day, this assessment must be made by oneself; for me self-assessment can be extremely difficult, even after my almost 16 years as a TBI survivor.
While I suspect every person struggles with finding, let alone accepting, their own limits; making the exercise a monumental and possibly lifelong task: Surviving a TBI requires you to abandon the progress you’ve made in this process of becoming familiar with your own abilities and start from scratch. I’m intensely grateful to be past the early phase of recovery filled with shock at my diminished abilities. Whether it was needing a nap after any social interaction, or anticipating being able to rush across a street during a gap in traffic only to be shocked by my snails’ pace upon stepping off the sidewalk, constantly underperforming expectations certainly worsened my mood.
When I express gratitude at no longer being shaken by my difficulties in attempting to live a productive life with reduced energy, physical challenges, and the cognitive impairments that come with a Diffuse Axonal Injury, that’s not to say all unease has subsided. In fact, the reality is that with progress comes a whole new set of challenges, perhaps the most difficult of which is resetting internal expectations and the scale on which I measure my own performance. While I’m well aware of the phenomenal gains I’ve made in all aspects of my recovery, one area that seems to trail in terms of progress is my ability to self-reflect objectively.
On the one hand, it seems that most people would never be as critical of those they love as they tend to be of themselves, so in that respect, I’m hardly unique. The peculiar aspect of the way I asses my performance in the perpetual task called life is that even after over 15 years of living with a brain injury; it’s tough to determine what exactly my best effort looks like. So even after taking the position that a successful day means that I put my best effort into my undertakings, I’m left trying to figure out what “my best effort” even looks like.
Like most people, I can tend to fall into relying on the feedback of others, whether it be accolades or criticism as my go to barometer when it comes to self-evaluation. Obviously, this can be troublesome because after all a brain injury is somewhat invisible. And as it is with every single person, what is seen on the surface never provides full context for making a value judgement. So in the end, and perhaps a fitting thought to kick off Brain Injury Awareness Month with: Although it will evolve, the best I can do is to give an honest effort each day at whatever the task is, even if it’s self-evaluation!