Light Dawns on Marblehead

I will admit that I can be a bit hard-headed with an unfortunate tendency to jump to conclusions, molding facts to fit whatever preconceived view of a subject I may have. My dad always said you’re “twisting things again” when I would use information to enforce my view, information that was in fact contrary to or not related to whatever argument I was making. That said, occasionally when hearing information repeated (perhaps even for the thousandth time) internal fireworks go off in my brain and I have somewhat of a renaissance of the mind where my perception changes. The facts don’t change, rather it is a shift in perspective that challenges my deep-rooted modus operandi. These revelations can be so impactful that I completely understand why American author, speaker, and politician Marianne Williamson often refers to shifts in perspective as nothing less than miracles! Let’s review one such recent shift to take this discussion out of the world of the abstract.

I haven’t been overly secretive that I’m in recovery from alcoholism although out of respect for the traditions I try to be vague about which program I utilize. One of the tenets of the program that I work is personal responsibility in my actions. There’s a common saying I hear that goes something like, “we can’t change the past, but we can begin now and make a whole new ending” which relates to part of the recovery process I implement in my life. In fact, in the literature laying out the program you’ll find the words: “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” What this means in practice is that we won’t live consumed with guilt and regret about our past actions, but will however, use self-examination to learn from our experience in the hopes that they won’t be repeated. This review process involves exploring the negative feelings we hold toward others for the role we played and continue to play in holding animus.

Of course, and often this is where many of our investigations stopped, the negative emotion is indeed caused by an apparent slight/harm of various magnitude that befell us. But in an attempt to address the ongoing unease we feel now the activity shifts to identify our part in the deep rooted anger or resentment. It is important to highlight that we’re not to concern ourselves with the actual event or actions of another that caused the festering wound, rather examine the mindset that has allowed it to continue to poison our thoughts. Now here is where it can get tricky and look as tough when actual harm from others ill-intended actions occurred that we can appear to be victim blaming: an argument I remember making as I was led through this exercise. Let me explain with a definite hypothetical example…

Suppose that I hold resentment towards a person who randomly hit me with a stick. Now on the surface, the occurrence can illicit justified ill will towards the perpetrator. But if we were to end our reflection at this place we’re left simply with animus over an event which already happened and thus cannot be undone, causing present day discomfort. Now to be asked to identify the role we ourselves play in the resentment doesn’t mean to become a martyr and completely absolve the other person of responsibility. Instead, we look at how our present feelings about the incident are selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and afraid, thus giving us the power to move forward with peace of mind.

I can just sense the skepticism of readers as they have a visceral reaction that it is insane to think that one’s own selfishness, dishonesty, and fear have anything to do with being assaulted with a stick. And believe me, I was right there in my thinking at first. But after being patiently guided by my dear friend Barry, the fact that it was in analyzing “my” resentment rather than the apparent cause where healing could take place! Perhaps it shouldn’t have come as such a revelation that my part was where I could take transformative action rather than simply taking the lazy route and settling for resentment. After all, for this example, wasn’t it my fear of being assaulted again (fear), desire for self-preservation (self-seeking), hope for uninterrupted bliss (selfish), and view that I ought never experience harm (dishonesty) that led to the ongoing resentment?

Only after removing my ego appointed judges’ robe which provided the illusory authority to condemn and fostered ongoing resentment could I calm my own “dis”ease after this particular hypothetical harm. As the sun begins to illuminate the fine seaside town of Marblehead, the power to heal is revealed not in blaming others or jumping in a time machine to change the past, but identifying the role my mindset plays in keeping the flames of resentment burning.