Decision Time

At the risk of sounding dramatic and perhaps taking an overly simplistic view on things at this moment, I believe that brain-injured or not, we all must choose between living life on life’s terms with, its’ oftentimes uncomfortable acceptance, or constant struggle. While the first option, with its’ discomfort, may not seem too appealing, let me assure you the constancy of futile efforts at control of the latter makes intermittent duress seem like a vacation. As I write these words, the image of my paternal grandfather and namesake playing the violin for me flashes in my minds’ eye! Believe me, it is much resistance and attempting to block reality that brings me to this realization. However, as is often the case, after struggling to adjust to the new normal of living in a Covid-19 dominated world combined with the painful experience of having the woman I love decide her life is better without me in it, I’m struggling with acceptance.

It’s hard to resist judging myself for being immature, or at least developmentally behind my peers, experiencing my first heartbreak at 38 years old; but judgment aside, I’m truly devastated. Perhaps, I assumed that past traumas would have conditioned me to better handle this emotional pain, which has proven false. This faulty assumption shouldn’t be a surprise to me when I realize that my prior difficulties have always been buffered by alcohol, with my TBI followed by a 6 week period of minimal consciousness and a lack of understanding of the permanence of my injury. Maybe the individual who stated “ignorance is bliss”, was on to something. But as you hear in the recovery community, “Once you know, you can’t not know”…

So here I sit, having finished my third hour of Zoom meetings before noon faced with a choice: Continue to try and mask the pain of seeing the collapse of a relationship I wanted to spend the rest of my life in, or trust that things will be ok. I guess I have to be grateful; grateful for the miracle that I don’t want to drink, and for the amazing experience of being a part of an incredible woman and her awesome boy’s lives for more than a year. I forget where I heard it, but the saying, “Some days are for chasing our hopes and dreams, and others we just need to put one foot in front of the other”, seems pertinent now. I guess for now I’ll just focus on moving my feet. I think the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous puts it beautifully: “We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help.”

As with most addictions, or almost all unhealthy behaviors for that matter, the problem is generally not the substance or action itself, but rather it represents a presenting symptom of an underlying problem. Come to think of it, and I know for myself this to be the case, the underlying “problem” isn’t actually the cause of duress. It is a lack of acceptance from which stems all kinds of maladaptive behaviors intended to distract from or mask the friction one feels with reality, or “life on life’s terms”. So what is this decision that I mentioned in the above heading?

While I really hate to be that guy including so many quotes in his writing as to barely offer any original prose: It is with humility that I recognize nearly any thought I have has been thought before, and furthermore, the thoughts’ prior thinker likely stated it more eloquently than I’m able to. And what do you know? In this case, a quote oft attributed to Buddha concisely describes the choice before me, come to think of it, one faced by all of us: “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” After all; it is the attempt to delay, mask, or distract from pain that always leads to suffering. Deciding to work towards acceptance is to begin the surrendering of suffering.