Call it what you what, It’s not good

Like most human beings, although I may seem brimming with confidence and secure in who I am as a person, my self-confidence and overall feeling of worth seem to fluctuate quite a bit. In fact, I intended to title this post first, “The Liar” then “Then the Critic” and finally “The Snake”, before fear of making the wrong choice led to the current descriptive label. Back to the “it” at hand, that inner voice filled with criticism that wants to keep me quiet and unseen lest I make a mistake! Of all the therapeutic exercises that I’ve been shown, perhaps the most powerful is to identify a troubling thought or behavior pattern and investigating what purpose it serves. After all; at their origin in spite of no longer being needed, rather becoming a habit, all addictive patterns develop to fill a need or serve as a shield. The goal, of course, being to fulfill the need without the harmful effects that negative self-talk induced behavior patterns bring.

So what possible need does an internal voice which undermines and shames meet? And furthermore, as the internal dialogue serves to diminish quality of life; what should be done instead? Let’s look at both these questions individually…

So what possible need does an internal voice which undermines and shames meet?

In what is probably very telling, I’ve always veered away from goal setting and accountability partners; making statements like, “I don’t like to set goals because they introduce the possibility of disappointment.” Or even joking that, “I prefer to set the bar pretty low being only 5’ 3!”

In reality, choosing to keep diminished hopes and carrying shame really serve as responses to fear for me. In a sort of mad lib, fear of “insert noun” can manifest in a wide variety of maladaptive behaviors. I hesitate to limit this problematic, self-centered fear by adding a word after “fear of”, as the all-encompassing word itself describes the driver of most limiting behavior and thought patterns.

What should be done instead?

Now that the self-destructive root of my limiting beliefs and maladaptive behavior, Ego-driven FEAR, has been discussed; the question of identifying a solution is left. First, realizing that the fear arises to protect a mind created self, and thus isn’t real, reminds me that the need to react is purely fiction. It is not the fear itself that’s a problem, rather that this fear doesn’t illuminate a real threat to my safety, only preventing me from fully embracing life and growing as a person. While I like to think that I’m a unique case, perhaps even a bit of a snowflake; in my tendency to respond to fear of the new with self-sabotage, through reading and listening to others share their lived experiences, I see a definite human pattern in unease towards uncertainty.

Trusting and relying on a power greater than myself certainly is far from easy; perhaps even more dangerous is thinking this faith a freedom from personal responsibility and effort. Thankfully, through learning from others and engagement with my fellows, learning that it’s the outcomes and results along with the path I’m on that I turnover not the required action; has become abundantly clear. So while I may always be searching for certainty and fighting voices of self-doubt, a beautiful acronym may provide the answer: TAROG!