Acceptance is “Living life on life’s terms”
It seems that acceptance is a word, and certainly a concept, that is thrown around often in recovery communities. Whether it be recovery after a brain injury, a sudden loss, or from active addiction; acceptance is nearly always one of, if not the most important steps in an individual’s journey. Of course, I speak with the benefit of having my vision greatly enhanced by hindsight. Believe me; it’s not as though after I woke up a hemiplegic, my cognition and emotion regulation greatly impaired, to the mantra, “Acceptance is the springboard to recovery!” In fact, it was over a year until I began to grasp that, although blessed with the chance to live and see recovery gains in the aftermath of a Severe TBI on 7/4/06, after a certain amount of time (I honestly thought 1 year was the magic number) there wouldn’t be a morning that saw the old, pre-injury Jim rise to conquer the world. And while I certainly wouldn’t advise complete denial, whether by choice or simply a lack of understanding, as the optimal coping strategy, just putting one foot in front of the other and working hard without deep reflection served me well. This slow trickle of understanding and truth about my brain injury never left me in a place of complete hopelessness or giving up, which along with ignorance is a fact I can only attribute to the tremendous love and support of my family and social circle. For this, seemingly fortunate naivete of the challenges of recovery from and permanence of brain injury I am grateful and amazed at the way a lack of knowledge and inability to grasp reality served as a great protector to me.
Like most words in our fickle English language, that although a native to, I have nowhere near a mastery of, acceptance has many meanings. While most of these definitions contain the implication of defeat or swallowing a bitter pill, the one I like best describes acceptance as “a willingness to tolerate a difficult situation.” I love this particular entry under acceptance in the dictionary for two primary reasons: First, it is the stated ideal of a desired mindset with which to approach a situation, and as with most ideals, perfection is just a target. In fact when speaking of the “willingness to tolerate” we’re really talking about a future moment without any demand or expectation. The fact is that though in the actual moment we might be distressed and rageful with resistance, in opening the door to a willingness for tolerating our difficulty we move towards that ideal. I find much comfort in avoiding viewing acceptance through black or white, success or fail lenses.
As I hinted at when I opened this post by relaying that it only came to me with hindsight, acceptance was not something that has ever come naturally to me. I suppose that growing up in a loving family, in a safe and stable environment shielded me from some of the types of disappointment that force the issue when it comes to acquiring the “acceptance skill” . Then again, perhaps I’ve always had a faulty understanding of acceptance as an action that bears little resemblance to the definition I now find most fitting. Whether because of societal influences of masculinity as being a John Wayne like figure who molds situations with sheer will, or it’s just my nature, but throwing the adjective “unacceptable” on a circumstance always seemed a bit triumphant. For whatever the reason may be, it seems that I’ve always equated acceptance to condoning a result, and perhaps worse for this stubborn New Englander, giving up hope for better or any improvement. With this mindset, it’s no wonder that becoming comfortable with my new life after brain injury has been a long, difficult process.
When I say long and difficult, please understand that in no way am I trying to paint a dismal picture of my life today nor am I looking for sympathy. In fact, my life is filled with opportunities for joy! As I write this today I’m sitting here on vacation having a staring contest with my adorable almost 2 year old niece; I can’t help but ask myself how I got so lucky as to deserve this incredible outcome? This leads me to another important point about acceptance; it’s not just the difficult situations or losses that can be a challenge to accept.
It can be easy for me to put the blame for my self-recriminating thoughts and familiar feelings of unworthiness on the cause of my car crash and TBI being entirely my fault from driving drunk. As counterintuitive as it may sound, I’ve really had to learn to accept the good and found it just as difficult as accepting loss and disappointment. The cognitive dissonance surrounding a joyous life after a horrible mistake leads me fighting the urge to self-sabotage. As more is revealed to me each day it is becoming apparent that only when I learn to embrace each moment as it comes, will I truly be living a life of acceptance, or a “life on life’s terms”.