A “Perfectionist”, not me?

The last thing that comes to mind when one hears the word perfectionist may just be a seemingly unmotivated, chronic academic underachiever: Perhaps a Valedictorian would be more expected  rather than the class clown. So one could imagine my surprise when multiple times I’ve had my behavior called perfectionistic! I would normally discount these opinions absurd had they not been given by professionals with multiple letters trailing their names. However, the more I learn in recovery the more I’ve begun to see the connection. For me, as I would assume it is for many others; perfectionism is better understood when thought of as the cognitive distortion called “All or Nothing” thinking.

It’s interesting when I think that perhaps my trying to customize the definition of “perfectionism” to fit this blog in a prefatory manner is illustrative in and of itself! Now back to the paradox of a perfectionist, particularly when it comes to recovery. In his discussion of how the AA recovery organization functions and the principles by which its members live (“AA’s 12 Steps& 12 Traditions (1957)), founder, Bill Wilson, says of alcoholics; “We are all perfectionists, who failing perfection, have gone to the other extreme and settled for the bottle and the blackout.” In his example, Bill uses alcoholic drinking and its’ consequences to allow identification among alcoholics, but in looking at this passage broadly, I see a description of my scholastic career.

It was late in my elementary school years when I realized that academics weren’t a perfectible endeavor. I can’t say whether it was a disappointing grade on a specific assignment or test, but whatever happened, I had the mindset that with the prospect of failure, or less than extraordinary results; a lack of effort given caused less of a blow to the EGO than acceptance of fallibility. Of course, like most things in life, it’s all about balance: Working towards improvement while having self-compassion and acceptance of your abilities at that given time. A focus on my commitment and work process rather than using the results (grades in academics, or pts/golf scores/W and L’s, in sports).

I included the passage authored by Bill Wilson not to infer that anyone with perfectionist tendencies is alcoholic, rather to point out the danger of perfectionistic thinking and how certain individuals can turn to self-destructive behavior when “failing” in their own eyes. Just as Alcoholism is a progressive disease, getting worse/more severe over any period of time without consistent and intentional effort to treat it, so too is perfectionism a progressive thinking error. For instance, a perfectionistic student may respond to disappointing grades with minimal effort on subsequent assignments. Eventually, work isn’t turned in at all, with the student perhaps quitting school all together!

Thank God I a great support network because left to my own devices, I tend to choose flight rather than fighting, or putting my nose to the grindstone when faced with struggle. While perfectionism can be dangerous, resulting in various problems, it isn’t the desire for it that causes the issues, rather the way an individual deals with the feeling of failure. I say the “feeling of” and not just “failure” because not achieving a specifically desired outcome is not really failure at all. I need  continuous reminding  to assess myself based on my input (ie. Effort, commitment, focus) rather than the end results of any endeavor. But in the end, “It’s progress, not perfection”!